How Do I Stop Enabling My Adult Child?
When parents either deliberately or unwittingly support their adult child’s unhealthy activities or behavior, it can lead to a destructive cycle of stunted personal growth and emotional dependency. But change is possible.
At Game Quitters, we’ve helped hundreds of parents stop enabling their adult child’s gaming habits. In this article, we share 10 tips for achieving a more fulfilling and mature relationship with your adult child. This advice can be applied to any enabling situation; it’s not just for families where gaming addiction is a problem.
What are the signs of an enabling parent?
As a parent, it can be upsetting to see your adult child struggling. That’s why it’s easy to cross the line from helping to hindering them, which is sometimes called ‘enabling mother syndrome’.
But what is an unhealthy parent adult child relationship? Let’s look at some telltale signs of an enabling parent:
- Financially supporting your adult child’s unhealthy habits, such as drug taking, gambling, or gaming excessively
- Lying or making excuses for them
- Denying there’s a problem with their toxic behavior
- Making threats and not following through on consequences
- Having no rules or boundaries if they live at home
- Accepting responsibility for their struggles
- Making important decisions on their behalf
- Intervening to stop them having to face challenging situations
- Getting over-involved in all aspects of their life
- Ignoring your own needs
- Feeling frustration, failure, and hopelessness when you think about your relationship with your ungrateful adult children
Do you recognize some of these signs? If so, you may be wondering, “When should you stop helping adult children?” or “How do I let go of adult children who are taking advantage of me?” Read on for our helpful tips.
10 ways to stop enabling an adult child
If you think you may be enabling your adult child, breaking the cycle can feel like an impossible task, especially if they have video game addiction. Discover how to stop worrying about your grown child by following these tips to change the family dynamic:
1. Make a plan of action
Having decided to stop enabling and discussed it with your adult child, creating a plan of action is the next step. Not everything needs to happen at once; in fact, certain actions will have to occur before others can move forward. For example, your adult child will need to find a job before they can contribute to household expenses or move out of the family home. Giving each element of the action plan a timeframe will help keep it on track.
2. Start saying no
If an adult child is used to getting their own way, it will be difficult to hear the word ‘no’. But, over time toxic adult children will learn that the world doesn’t revolve around them; other family members have needs too. Saying no and will feel uncomfortable at first, but it will empower you, as a parent, to regain some control over the relationship.
3. Introduce house rules
If your adult child still lives at home, they should expect to abide by your house rules. This may seem daunting, especially if they’re likely to resist. So, it’s a good idea to make it a collaborative process and review what is and isn’t working on a regular basis. Examples of house rules could include doing their share of chores or working toward a personal goal, such as reducing the amount of time they spend gaming.
4. Establish clear boundaries
Setting boundaries with adult children can help improve the family dynamic, but laying the groundwork is key. Acknowledge from the start that compromise may be required, and discuss the consequences if boundaries are ignored. Every situation is different but healthy boundaries may include open communication, mutual respect, personal space, lifestyle choices, financial assistance, and gaming habits.
5. Stop feeling guilty
Even after introducing house rules and establishing clear boundaries, your adult child may still expect you to pick up the pieces when things go wrong. But how do you deal with an entitled adult child? If you push back, they may try to make you feel guilty so that you revert to enabling mode. But you must see this manipulative behavior for what it is—emotional blackmail—and hold your ground. In the long run, stepping back from their life will benefit your adult child, despite what they may say now.
6. Encourage decision-making
If you always make decisions on behalf of your adult child, they’ll struggle to navigate their way through life. At some point, they need the opportunity to fail and learn from their mistakes in order to develop independence and resilience. You can build confidence and trust in their decision-making skills by using empowering phrases like “I’m sure you can work it out for yourself” or “Let’s discuss your plan of action.”
7. Celebrate achievements
By celebrating your adult child’s achievements — big and small — you’ll boost their confidence and instill a sense of self-belief. Whether it’s mastering a new skill, applying for a job, or getting their driver’s license, reinforcing positive behavior will help empower them to be more independent. At the same time, breaking the enabling cycle and relinquishing control will be an incredibly freeing process for you too.
8. Focus on yourself
It’s likely you’ve spent years looking after your family; now it’s time to focus on yourself. Finding new hobbies and interests will distract you from micromanaging your adult child. Channeling your energy into other relationships, beyond being a parent, will give everyone some breathing space. Rediscover what brings you joy, meaning, and purpose in life.
9. Seek counseling or therapy
If you lack the skills or confidence to stop enabling your adult child, or you think there may be some unresolved trauma or mental health issues holding you back, parent counseling could be beneficial. Alternatively, you may feel that family therapy would be more appropriate to give everyone a forum to discuss their unhealthy habits, behaviors, and actions in a supportive and non-judgmental environment.
10. Identify gaming addiction
Does your adult child spend hours playing video games while neglecting other aspects of their life? Take our short quiz to find out whether their gaming habits are a cause for concern. Overcoming gaming addiction requires empathy and understanding. You need to look beyond the surface and acknowledge the underlying issues that may be fueling their addiction. Could your enabling behavior be a contributing factor? If so, we can help your family start the healing process.
Need help?
Overcoming gaming addiction is a team effort. It’s not just about the gamer; it’s about the role each family member plays in the recovery process.
So, if you’re struggling with gaming addiction in your family, and are concerned that you may be enabling your adult child’s compulsive behavior, we can help.
Take the first step today and book a Gameplan strategy call.
On this call, we’ll see if your family is a good fit for our coaching program, which provides tailored support to get gaming under control for good.
We have limited spots available and are unable to accept all applicants.